How Jack Stole Christmas
by qsmadness007
Summary: Based on How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Jack decides to ruin Christmas for the members of the VCTF


1. Narrator: Philip Nichols

Every Agent,  
At the VCTF,  
Liked Christmas a lot.  
(Except George who was Jewish,  
But that doesn't concern this tale)  
But Jack  
Who's lair was close to the VCTF  
DID NOT!  
Jack hated Christmas!  
The whole Christmas season.  
Now, please don't aske why. No one quite knows  
The reason.  
It could be his roses didn't grow quite  
Right.  
It could be perhaps, his blue lamps weren't  
Bright/  
But I, (Philip Nichols) think that the most likely reason of all,  
May have been his sheriff's outfit was two sizes  
Too small.  
But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His outfit or roses,  
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the  
VCTF.  
Staring through his computer monitor with a sour,  
Grincy frown,  
At the government florescent lights hanging from  
The ceiling,  
For he knew every Agent at the VCTF,  
Just near by,  
Were busy now, writing Christmas cards,  
"And now they are ignoring their paperwork."  
He snarled with a sneer.  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here."  
Then he growled, with his serial killer fingers  
Nervously drumming.  
"I MUST find away to keep Christmas from  
Coming!"  
For tomorrow he knew…  
All the VCTF agents  
Would be drinking egg nog,  
And rushing to do work, to get  
Home early to their families.  
And if not, then! Oh, the Noise! Oh the Noise!  
Noise! Noise!  
That's one he hated! The Noise !  
NOISE! NOISE!  
2. Narrator: Serialbathera

Philip Nichols got a bit distracted with some cult business. Something about the number of stab wounds or something. I wasn't listening…sorry, I rarely listen to the conversations the characters in my head have with other people.  
Anyway, I was going to have George finish the poem but then, he was kissing Rich. And then, I thought it would be cute to have someone non profiler do it. Dr. Spencer Reid from "Criminal Minds" was going to do it, but then he started a long story about Christmas traditions and such, which were kind of cute but two co-workers shushed him, Derek Morgan and Emily Prentiss.  
So, Jack decided he would do the next part.

3. Jack of all Trades  
(Jack lights a cigarette and smokes it for a long time.  
He eats a handful of Cheetoes, watching the audience.)  
I don't really like the poem  
Format given.  
I think it is a bit cheesy.  
I am a man of my own syntax.

I think it is ridiculous,  
Despite what Philip thinks,  
I am not a bad guy.  
I don't even totally hate Christmas.  
I just like Halloween better.  
The decorations are cooler.  
And there is no jolly fat man.

(Jack smoke another cigarette)  
Anyway, I did steal all the VCTF's  
Christmas Decorations.  
Even dressed Sharon up  
As a reindeer.  
An d I k now the lesson of the book/old cartoon movie.  
(Don't even get me started on the juvenile  
And moronic Jim Carrey version.)  
Is that Christmas is not  
About possessions.  
It's a feeling inside.  
Well, the VCTF may or  
May not have learned that.  
I don't know,  
Because unlike the Grinch,  
I wasn't caught by Cindy Lou Who,  
I got caught by Samantha.  
I ditched reindeer Sharon,  
And me and my love,  
Took a cruise to the Bahamas.  
Then after that,  
Who knows,  
But we have the rest of our lives.  
Oh, by the way,  
We got married by the ship's captain,  
So, she is now Mrs. Samantha Trades,  
And she already emailed  
Bailey and quit.  
And they aren't smart enough to catch us.

4. John Grant cutting in  
He thinks he can do that.  
Recall everything so quickly  
Like a quick witted cat.  
He left us with a mess,  
And much distress.  
As we now, realized he's kidnapped Sam,  
And all the Christmas ham.

5. Narrator: Serialbathera.  
Sorry, John was mauled by several fangirls,  
Never to be seen again.  
(Unless you find the basement where he is locked up.)  
We thought of Jill having her say,  
But she ran away.  
Sorry, don't mind the rhyming,  
It is a bit stuck in my head.  
Anyway, Merry Christmas to all,  
And may the new year bring you many Skewed (or regular Profiler)  
Plot bunnies (or guineas if you are Meg) :


End file.
